reblog if u are a LESBIAN, support LESBIANS, or are an ANGRY SPACE WITCH THAT IS TIRED OF THE BOURGEOISIE
i don’t call my experience “depression”, i say that i’m a sad kid and i earnestly don’t relate to standard mental health models. part of this (how to name experiences) is why i’m an introvert who sincerely borders agoraphobia but doesn’t talk about it…
today, is my birthday and a year ago over a hundred people posted love for me on my fb and other forms of social media and this year not so much. i’m truly comfortable believing that i’m just not as relevant in other ppls lives but my sneaking suspicion is that it’s bc of my break up; and that bc i’m not with the boy i’m some how less important or rather an asshole for initiating the break up. BUT if i talk about why i did that then i’m a jerk for sharing our business. #whataccountability?
feelings (inspired by adventures):
1) on to the next one 2) forgiveness is one of the purest forms of love 3) browness and blackness have non-theoretical homes? 4) at 30 i have fewer fucks to give
i’ve been reading bell hooks’, Salvation: Black folks and Love, for a few months. each time i pick it up i learn about myself, my relationships, poly, and my family. when i’m going through a hard time i stop because it forces me both pay attention & to keep loving when all i want to do is sit it the hurt.
so instead of reading, practicing, and reaching out to my support systems i have a beer, smoke a cigarette, and play on the internet; excusing it for “self-care”. i share this secret not out of guilt but just so i can’t pretend i don’t know any better. just to remember “out loud” that once i experience my triggers and despair, i’ve undone enough over the past year to make choices on how i care for myself.
naming it, feels like a good first (or second step) toward getting to self, community, partnered love.